#and like. theres also the other hand where a ship being toxic doesnt mean its not enjoyable

[camelspit]

my hot take is that canon sophitz isnt even toxic. but we arent ready for that conversation.

[elainsgirl]

I can actually understand gwynriel (the ship) to some extent. It's an actual crackship so there's no canon to back it. But that means there's no canon to completely deny it either. Because it just doesn't exist in canon. Theres absolutely nothing. So gwynriels can make up whatever they want.

But eluciens have to disregard so much canon that so blatantly show elain has no interest in Lucien. So I just can't understand anyone who ship them and think they're romantic or swoon-worthty. They have to ignore that elain got wet from azriels hand on her neck, while Lucien was upstairs. They have to ignore she'd rather watch water boil. That feyre found Lucien and elain talking the most awkward 30 minutes if her life. That feyre cringed thinking about elain subject to Luciens "fire". That even Lucien has no interest in elain. Like, how do you read that and go "swoon 😍". It makes no sense.

If Sarah said its obvious, its obvious. It'll be the pairing with the most canon support. Leaving only one. Elriel.

Hey anon 🫶

I get your stance about gwynriel- I would say there is canon to disprove GA claims such as gwynriel being mates but you have a valid point. Gwynriel is so undeveloped you can make up whatever you want about the ship - shape it how you’d like and I can see the appeal in that, 100%. Especially if you don’t like how the story is going now.

I get the concept for elucien. I see where elucien stans are coming from - the dynamic they want the ship to be etc, its all enticing - and with Gwynriel, again - I see the appeal of it. However, elucien does not take actual canon into consideration and it can’t because canon doesn’t support elucien. Im sorry - Elain saying “sunlight” doesn’t mean she *needs* it to survive and it doesn’t connect her to Lucien. Him being an heir to Day doesn’t rlly matter when Mass never bothered to directly connect the 3: Sun, Lucien and Elain. YET his spell cleaving powers directly connect him to Vassa - a queen whose curse works at Day & who has met Helion - the heir of Day. AND eluciens like to ignore Luciens second - equally as valid heritage - Autumn. Why? It doesnt fit elucien. Theres nothing in canon to connect elain to Autumns imagery. The minute Eluciens started discrediting elains friendship with the twins and wanted her to be besties w the man who made a r4pe joke about her was the day I knew, *they knew* their ship had sunk and are now desperately clinging to whatever straws they can. The whole ship is made by simply putting random bits of info together but it doesn’t connect - you have to assume it eventually will. Or just straight up denying literal canon and pretending it’s something else like when eluciens’ say, “Feyre talking about the cauldron being wrong wS in regards too Loa/Beron/Heion or how the cauldron doesn’t make bonds” then its inserting their biased opinions or HCs into canon. For their ship to work as they wish - eluciens need the acotar version of Elain. Not the acosf Elain. Thats why in their fics, HCs and theorised - Elains growth is accepting the bond with Lucien, in every other aspect, she regresses or has a stilted growth. They like to make Az seem “toxic”, elriel seem like a horrible couple, Elain being cruel to Lucien, Lucien the victim - as always - and Feyre unreliable, Ignore everything acosf said and showed about Elain and If you agree with all these things, you meet the criteria to be an elucien stan.

They go swoon over their HCs and twisting whatever elucien scene they can to be romantic no matter how disgusting it is. And trust me their HCs - get disturbing at times. Anyways, elucien may not be a crackship but like gwynriel its also so undeveloped. It can be shaped however. Mass said it’s obvious. That takes out gwynriel, leaves elriel and elucien. Which ship has had the most positve, romantic and plot foreshadowing?

🗣️ elriel 🗣️

[ordinary-funky-feline-type]

hmmm sometimes when i think of the name of a ship in my head i refer to the whole dynamic and relationship, but it doesnt have to necessarily be romantic and both-sided. like when i think of usuk, im thinking of the whole of them, but most of it is just uk pining over america and other toxik and shitty (n very cool) dynamics. i cant see murica as completely loving of him, not explicitly (except maybe in some temporary situations). but when i step back and look at the whole of them then i can obviously see the love and tension and deepness and blahblahh, even if when im focusing on the day to day moments it may seem completely one-sided. on the iggy side of things, his relationship w murica is obviously the most intense n obsessively loving shit he's ever had but i wont get into that classic

tl;dr "a ship doesnt necessarily refer to a explicit/romantic/requited love, it can also refer to a complex and changing relationship that may not ever even get anywhere. Or even a one-sided romance"

now, i dont like fruk, because (and yes im contradicting my explanation above a bit) i dont like to focus on the love or the romantic/sexual/whatever part of their relationship. but i DO love their relationship, which contains a lot of things, some of them ARE sex and love. but, i dont know, in my head that part is not relevant to the whole concept of their dynamics and their bond as a whole.

mm thats why i usually try to avoid saying 'fruk' when i talk about my interpretation of those two charas, cus i dont want ppl to think i'm referring to the ship. i prefer to say eng & france n stuff like that. same with prus and hungary, yeah maybe they fucked, but in my head the important characteristic of their bond is for instance, their friendship and rivalry. the sex is just a tool to get to and highlight those important parts

'usuk' in my head is not us and uk, usuk is usuk, cus in their relationship the part where they feel romantic love and all that shit is v e r y important.. So much that i cant even imagine the character of iggy without him being in love with murica, to me thats just an intrinsic part of his character. So yeah the “ship” aspect of their relationship is quite the main point for me. like everything they do that has to do with the other is affected by this thing. also lil obvious side-note. sex and romance is not the only way to show and express love, its just the most known ones. And also we are talking about countries in the shape of humans, and they are absolutely not humans, so i can do whatever the fuck i want with them. iggy expresses his love for murica in ways that he himself doesnt even know or realise, all of that while he fucks the entirety of europe on the side. He may not ever lay a finger on him and with that he’s being 200% more genuine and vulnerable than any time he fucks spain or whoever. usuk FOR LIFE

basically: To me a ‘ship’ is not referring to the actual relationship but to the angle with which you approach it. An established ‘romantic’ relationship may not be a ship if its not relevant to you or your story, but a dude who’s in love with a celebrity that lives in another continent that he’s never seen may be a ship if thats what makes sense to what youre imagining. for instance i love biker x jacket even though they never interact. I just like to think of the potential of their personalities together. Not explicit but still… “romantic”? I dont know what words to use to explain those thoughts. But so like, france n iggz: explicit, not “romantic”. Usuk: “romantic” but not explicit? (jiji who am i kidding, maybe sometimes it does get explicit but whatever, thats the general idea)

I love to consume one-sided ships, but im still not comfortable enough to let myself do it? Perhaps in the future my usuk will be completely one-sided, who knows. I still got residual damage from exposure to mainstream ship dynamics as a kid Also i lied. Ijijij i do like fruk a bit, i do think that theres potential for some cute stuffz, specially when they are young. I think that they are super close, and there are million ways of showing that. I dislike fruk when its just fruk in a bubble and thats it. But i love it when its surrounded by the context of this whole hetaverse that lives in my brain (that has to do with me not being interested in other fan’s creations). No england ship ever gets to what usuk is for me, n dats awesom. I like to think that england just entirely took his own heart, pulled it out of his chest, and handed it over to america (along with his multiple other toxicities emoji of cowboy smiling). His heart has already found a place but that doesnt mean he cannot experience sum exciting stuffz with other countries!!! In fact he does, a lot, just like the rest of the charas!!! EVERY SHIP IN HETALIA IS CANON, go have fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[ccsthemovie2]

YUE!!!! yue yue yue

LETS SEE IF I CAN TRANSFER MY DRAFT TO ASK ON MOBILE W/O MESSING UP FORMATTING HORRIFICALLY WOOOOOO

YUEEEEE AN ASK AFTER MY OWN HEART <33 this is, again, super long AND YET NOT THE FULL EXTENT OF MY YUE THOUGHTS, PROBABLY??? this is a fave from a decade back or so this runs DEEP. Why I like them:

yue has just been a lifelong fave tbh. a beautiful and serious anime boy???? AND he’s the moon????? superficials aside, i am always really drawn to characters who struggle with being overly loyal to a sense of authority and deal with figuring out they’re allowed to have individual wants and needs. yue is incredibly ride or die and nearly everyone’s like....maybe don’t die actually!!! and yue says [there was a manga cap here of touya asking yue to take care of himself and yue going >:///.....alright]

it is also really funny how he immediately goes from I WILL KILL YOU to extremely protective i-am-your-angel-dad, both to watch, and to see new friends get into ccs and hear the hype about yue and go oh i cant wait to see your favori-AAAHHH HE PUNCHED TWO TEN YEAR OLDS WHATTT.

Why I don’t:

gotta say it, his clear card hit-fakeout was kinda weird, good thing i have rewritten that scene and can just refer to my personal-writing-folder discord server when need be,

Favorite episode (scene if movie):

JUDGEMEEENNNTTTT AND ALSO THE STUCK IN BIG FORMS EP AAAAHHHHH . episodes ive watched a billion times. when i was a kid i liked judgement bc i was like HES SO COOOL AND MEEEAN YESSS DEFEAT SAKURA WITH HER OWN MAGIC GO GO and now im like HE IS CARRYING OUT A USELESS CEREMONY AND FIGHTING A FIGHT HE CANNOT WIN TO MAKE EVERYONE FEEL LIKE THEY HAVE A CHOICE WHEN SAKURA’S BEEN CHOSEN FROM THE START WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. and to top it ALL off sakura telling him she wants to be his friend and him not taking her offered hand? OUCHH... ;w; big forms ep is HILLARIOUS bc its soooooo AWKWARD. the awkwardness of being at someone else’s house... trying to talk to your host when the ONLY topics you have in common are “i know a few things about your dead crush” and “my other self is YOUR crush”. sakura telling him that her dad insists love can last through reincarnation and eriol specifically being like “give up on clow because he’s dead” later, and he’s spying on this whole ep so he must be rolling around laughing right then. the fact that neither of these couples is healthy whatsoever but everyone’s working with what they have to try and lessen the awkward, and oh no its worse now. kero picking up on the clowtime pattern of “i have to do all the work around here” but honestly its just that it’s kero’s house and yue’s awkwardly hovering and sakura really really doesnt wanna make her intimidating guest do stuff. WHICH IS UNDERSTANDABLE BC ITS SUPER AWKWARD. yue then cleaning the entire kitchen while sakura is cleaning off kero. 10/10 episode.

Favorite season/movie:

sakura card arc!

Favorite line:

when he shows up at sakura’s house and and sakura’s like :0 and hes like get used to it.

Favorite outfit:

the one from that pic i have in my about where he has this light blue hair wrap aaahhhh

OTP:

YUEKITOUYAAAAAAAAAAAA. yukito and touya dating happily and then yue a few years later like OH. I ALSO LOVE HIM. yukito being super supportive and happy of it. yue and touya both feeling like “whats an amazing guy like him doing with someone like me...”. yue going in thinking oh i know what love is and touya raising the bar constantly. its good!!

Brotp:

him and yukito!! two people waking up in their situation scared and upset and stuck together, making the most of it as only they can. i think a lot of them both being like “noooo i want YOU to be happy and comfortable” and trying to do little things for the other when each is taking their turn being active. yue making yukito tea and getting him out of bed when he neeeds to wake up but just feels sluggish, yukito buying little moon decorations for the house he thinks yue would like....aaahhh yukito getting glow in the dark star stickers omg...realizing that there’s no one they’d rather share a life with like that. i think yukito’s the sort of person who doesn’t like to appear uncertain and takes his time being sure before communicating, and theres a sense of pride on yue’s part that he’s the only person, often not even touya, who gets to hear yukito put his thoughts together and be that sort of sounding board. yukito “growing up” in a big “often”-empty house i think leads to him talking to the air a lot, and now that’s yue!!

him and sakura, too!! slowly taking her up on her offer of friendship!! there’s an amazing bit soon after judgement where just her asking frantically if he’s okay??? if he’s SURE he’s okay???? after getting hurt protecting her makes him stop and stare....the switch flipped he is her dad now. i want him to feel like he can talk to her, especially about the Before Times, weigh the things he thinks are too heavy for a child against the things he wants to be heard, maybe see her face and be like oh boy i got it wrong sometimes. and also the knowledge that this is a friendship they chose for themselves!! that they were Predicted to mean different things to each other, but it would be something inappropriate and draining and a cruelty to carry out. this is an unpaved road!! if i keep going on and on i will go on all day but HIM AND KERO!!! HIM AND THE CARDS!!!! HIM AND LI, AND TOMOYO, AND oh just let him be surrounded by friends!!!!

Head Canon:

extremely touchy. like the first thing he did when he showed up for judgement was grab sakura’s face and i think thats just how he is. i think nobody in the clowsehold had any awareness of personal space and yue got so steeped in it that he is just like that now. big on affectionate hair ruffles esp with the kids and putting-an-arm-around-people that he’s barely aware of. it makes yukito a little sad to know that he and yue can never really connect like that but if he hugs himself yue will feel it so it works out!!

Unpopular opinion:

(gets up on stage) clowyue!! (half the crowd boos half the crowd cheers) was HORRIBLE (the cheering/booing crowd halves switch confusedly) essentially i really like to think about the wreckage and then healing from the sort of toxic imbalanced ambiguously requited never-labeled faux-relationship feelings-yoyo i imagine it to have been. but that means i need to acknowledge it happened. unfortunately most people who make ship content do so because they like it, and most people who dont make ship content do so because they dislike it. can you believe it?

A wish:

go to therapy please

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen:

DO NOT SEPARATE THEM

5 words to best describe them:

ok he looks very polite

My nickname for them:

moonboy...

[tumblunni]

Managed to finally get to watch the Gorgeous Ambassador episode that @ride6artblog told me about yesterday! It was really annoying, there were these popup ads when you viewed the page on mobile but not pc, so i had to download it on a library computer and then transfer it over to my phone. Cant wait til i get my internet fixed!

Anyway it turns out this is actually only a five minute skit at the end of a bigger episode, so i'm surprised it added so much backstory and worldbuilding to this character in such a short time!

Plot of the episode starts off with Nate complaining that the girls in school are doing this trend of putting cute stickers on smartphones and bedazzling pencils and stuff. Because i guess he's just one of those weird jerks who thinks that other people having fun is somehow his business?

Gotta love this moment tho:

Like the anime is usually a lot more Gender Roles Cliches Time compared to the games. biggest example being how Katie was changed to fit the love interest role vs how she acts as the love interest in the games if you dont pick her as protag. And, yknow, how Nate himself acts the same if you pick Katie instead. Srsly none of that stupid Cliche Romance Girl Personality nonsense, why did they have to boringitize it to the point where the ship sucks now? Anyway before i go off on a ramble, let me just say that i appreciated them adding at least one line aknowledging that 'UGH THOS GIRLS BE FASHION' is dumb and whisper aint agree wit u nate. It would have been real frustrating if they kept going with that for the whole episode because srsly Gorgeous Ambassador is a dude and theres a whole bunch of other flambouyant/feminine/fashionable/not giving a shit about toxic masculinity type yokai dudes in the games.

ALSO DECORATING CELLPHONES IS JUST FUN, NATE. LIVE A LITTLE!

Seriously the plot is straight up "we must defeat him because he is making people decorate stuff and nate has no goddamn taste so he somehow hates that." This equals beat up the man, becos why???

Also its funny how the episode dances around ever saying bedazzling(tm) even though its all about bedazzling(tm). Tho possibly the brand name for that stuff is different in japan? I'm curious now!

In any case it was a strange but fun choice to change generalized gaudy fashion guy into the yokai of such an overly specific trend! Helps a bit with giving him a unique identity cos really he's just one of those repeat power guys in the games. Basically just the american equivelant of cupistol and dazzabel at the same time, while also lacking any sort of actual american traits so it doesnt feel like he's a proper counterpart but rather just was arbitrarily put there instead of in the springdale section of the game for no real reason. I guess in an abstract sense you could say he might have been conceptualized as the idea of an ambassador of american fashion to the japanese setting of the game, exceot at some point he just stopped having amerocan fashion and became fashion in general...? Like if he was meant to be gaudy american fashion in particular he would look very different, lol! He just looks like pride parade ambassador...

ANYWAY LOL WHERE WAS I

The anime clarifies the confusingness of why he's called an ambassador despite not having any design traits communicating that or anything to do with that plotwise. Srsly when i first saw his design i assumed he must be a main story important yokai who was actually a politician or something? Also immediately assumed he was a japanese one because seriously where is the america in this design except i guess america has more fashion dudes but WHY DOES HE NOT LOOK LIKE AN AMERICAN FASHION DUDE like just shove a fuckin hollywood hat on there or somethin

ANYWAY

in the animeverse they threw out this worldbuilding that there's an international club of yokai who love sparkly fashion, and he's employed to hand out their business cards around the human world. Which i guess can technically be called an ambassador but isnt that just like... PR manager? Deliveryman? Seriously i thought it was the actual political embassy meaning and was wracking my brain to figure out how on earth a sexy peacock man was supposed to relate to that...

Cute moment: he does it all manually instead of with a yokai power. Which is actually surprisingly good foreshadowing for a reveal later on?? Its weird how much good plot is crammed into this thing and (sadly) how much later im gonna be venting about how much it was wasted.

Also in retrospect this is a huge douche move to use on this dude in particular, even if Nate didnt know it at the time.

Cos there's image upload limits, next time we'll talk about the cool plot twist!!

[pearlrebs]

I guess i wasnt very clear. Easy to seem angry over the internet unintentionally. I mean to say; rebs url (a small thing) represented something to us. Xe left and we all really miss xer. Xe mattered to us and was a special part of tjlc. 1/8

In many peoples eyes this is an aggressive act. Im sure that you can see at least a little how we would see it that way. 2/8

I wasnt implying that you are not queer or that i hate queers. i was saying that, this is the internet, im not going to always believe everything everyone tells me. 3/8

Most queers i know, try and stick together despite our differences. And the fact that you seem very angry (could be reading into it) at a group of people who are predominately queer tells me that you COULD be something other than queer. 4/8

As you yourself said this is just a tv show...but its more than that isnt it? Why you spend so much thought throwing shade at rebs or the tjlcers or whoever, tells me that theres something else going on and that it is important. 5/8

banding together with like-minded people is the solution to the political shitfest we are in. I'd like to think that we could work thru our differences to reach our common goals assuming, we have common goals. (if im wrong, please let me know) 6/8

I dont see myself as a victim, im only sad. not in a pitying way. Its hard to describe. You were probably the victim of an angry tjlcer on here or witnessed the chaos and theres really no excuse for hatefullness (im admonishing my own camp here). 7/8

debate, yes, but never being mean just to be mean. That doesnt get anyone anywhere. I hope this makes sense and im not trying to offend you. I just think life is too short to hate. And its sad that there has been much on here. 8/8

I’m actually not angry, I think it’s all kinda funny. Though I do try my best to respond seriously to serious messages. The “go fuck yourself”s will always be met with a “sounds good,” but when someone takes the time to send a message like this, I tend to pay attention. Anyways...

First you say you’re not going to always believe everything everyone tells you, then you turn around and say that the tj//lc group is predominantly queer. Who’s telling you that? Hard evidence? Demographics data? A census taken by a neutral third party to determine age range and sexuality, and what direction they believe the show should go? As I answered someone before: anecdotal evidence is inadmissible in science and court for a reason. Of course since you’re a lesbian (a factoid gleaned from your profile, but if this is inaccurate, please inform me. But I could easily say you’re not, but I don’t, because when someone tells me they’re queer, I believe them, who the hell wants to be in a [most places on the globe] hated minority? [by “hated,” I mean high risk of murder, bullying, and homelessness, and possibly being a criminal act depending on where you live]), your experience is going to be skewed towards finding other queer people. You think the group is predominantly queer people, but from the outside looking in, even as a queer person, I’ve mostly seen a bunch of straight women geeking over two middle aged white dudes possibly touching dicks, and using “representation” as a mask. I haven’t mingled with your community — I’ve got my own, who are and aren’t queer all the same.

And again, I say that with full knowledge that it is anecdotal evidence from my viewpoint and experience. I could be wrong. But that doesn’t mean you’re right either. 

Moving on. Most queer people (I don’t like the term “queers” personally, but as a queer person, you can reclaim that word however you want) you know stick together despite the differences. Okay. But if our difference is that you don’t think I deserve rights, or that my life is somehow worth less than a straight person’s (voting Dump/Pence, specifically Mike Pence, who would rather a gay person go to a conversion camp — where the risk of suicide is nearly 70% — than be gay), then that’s not a “difference.” That’s almost a hate crime (and it actually is in some countries). 

I assume you and I have similar goals — stop the carney-handed mango. I assume all but the 14% of LGBT people who did vote for that cheeto in a wig, do. Hence why I make a point of saying I don’t hate Rebs as a person (although the fact that xer Patreon is still up, and xe’s still collecting money, despite the fact xe’s publicly declared xe has no intention on ever making videos again, and even taking the existing ones down, is a little less than the perfect angel everyone is insisting that xe is). 

Tbh, maybe I tend to befriend more queer people irl, but you know what else is important? Straight allies. To me, being LGBT+ is a description of where I put my genitals/my gender identity, and I don’t exactly bond with people over that. A shared struggle, yes, and if I see a queer person being bullied, I will step in. I can support a gay man’s rights, even if that gay man is going out there campaigning for the orangutan in a suit (and some did). I’ll say he should be allowed to get married to whoever he wants, and when his Nazi buddies turn on his ass, I’ll be helping him find a visa out of here, but dear Ahura Mazda, I wouldn’t be caught dead having a beer with him. In fact, they most criticism I’ve ever gotten for being trans, is from other trans people. Yes, they should have rights, but fuck them as individuals, holy shit, don’t tell me how to transition. You can be trans (or any LGBT+) and still be a shitty person. 

But like... about 10%-15% of people are queer. 10%-15% of people couldn’t have voted for our rights and won. Meaning we have a ton of straight people on our side. And that’s what we are: we’re people. I love Steven Universe and pizza. I’ll find people that love Steven Universe and pizza that didn’t vote for literally satan. 

I’ve personally never been wronged by a hateful tj//lcer. But as you pointed out, there was a lot of hatefulness that was slung around. I watched as people attacked Mark Gatiss for not making their ship canon, or call him straight (they really care about representation, don’t they? /s), attacked other queer ships, tags, bullied some other queer shippers into self-harm, etc. 

No, that wasn’t you doing any of that, and that wasn’t anything you participated in... This blog really isn’t about you, I don’t know why you’re so sad about it. This is about everyone’s actions that I’m starting to suspect we both found deplorable. Though I guess if you were a close follower of Rebs, you hated Mary from second one, which was really uncalled for (hate her for shooting Sherlock — I don’t, but it’s a reason — but that didn’t happen until we knew her for two whole episodes, half of a third, and she was just a lovely person until that exact moment). 

The thing is, it IS just a show to me. I’m just responding to hate until I get bored with it. But tj//lc it became so much more to a bunch of people, and that’s why it got so toxic. 

Again, THE PROBLEM is tj//lcers were demanding representation from a show, and writers, who were always honest that they weren’t going to give it. At least not in the way they wanted (and when it wasn’t in the way they wanted, they had tantrums, which is why I say: it was never about “representation” for some of them.). Rebs, even if it started as just a hobby, quickly became, and fed into this mass conspiracy that ultimately did end up hurting a lot of people. Possibly including xerself. That’s why I don’t feel bad taking your symbol: it is just a show, everyone had prior warning that jxhnlock wouldn’t happen, so the conspiracy was always just going to be fanfiction, and Rebs did some shitty things. 

The way people are freaking out... they need to get over it. Or if not, okay, soak in grief forever over a fictional ship, but there’s probably better ways of dealing with all this besides sending me hate. Because honestly, what does anyone hope to accomplish by sending me hate? Me to delete? Sure, let’s say I did that. Jxhnlock isn’t going to be any more canon, and Rebs isn’t going to be any less wrong, and all of the hate xe encouraged is still going to be out there. Oh, and I’ll keep responding, which really just makes it worse. 

Had people just ignored me — never sent any messages — there would be precisely one post on this blog, which was my original announcement that I had it.

Also — what have I said that’s “hateful?” Yeah, okay, I called rebs a “twat” for being a misogynist, I thought it was delightfully ironic, having a misogynistic slur juxtaposed next to that observation (like saying, “don’t fucking swear”), but no one got the joke, so I took it down. But otherwise? Saying John Watson is Straight is just a fact. Jxhnlock never happened, and since it didn’t, the insistence that he’s bisexual has no standing. He’s always said, “I’m not gay.” I never took that to mean he was saying, “I’m not gay, but I like men, I’m bisexual/pansexual.” Jeez, no, if he was part of the community at all, I imagine he’d let it pass, rather than get angry about the assumption (like Sherlock does, who is, said by the writers, to be neither gay nor straight. In fact, I’ve often heard that if you’re a good straight ally, it means not being upset if people assume you’re gay for standing up with them — so in some interpretation, he’s actually a bit homophobic). I’ve also pointed out that xe was wrong, which xe is. My banner is of Gatiss confirm jxhnlock wasn’t happening again — this is a thing that happened. Are facts “hateful” now? 

Also... “life is too short to hate.” I mean... I think I’ve got enough life left in me to hate the sentient tire fire that uses too much fake tan cream, and the apparent resurgence of Nazis in America. Don’t you? Shouldn’t you? 

tj//cers are definitely not on that level, but I don’t hate them, is the thing. I said this before: I hate no one in particular, just what the legacy produced. 

[somedaypast-thesunset]

i feel upset today because there is a continual expectation for me to put myself out for other people and get next to nothing in return as they ask for everything. and if i ask for something, it just goes ignored. 

i’m tired of my work being devalued. i’m tired of people just taking it for granted and using it to their own benefit. i felt nothing but anxiety and animosity at the last show our group put on because i was knowingly bullied on more than one occasion by another member and then forced to put on a show with them - and was even questioned why i might pull out my art. 

i was going to perform at this event. but as the weeks passed i realized i was putting in more work than anyone else and when i asked for certain things, they were ignored or put off. and yet there was an expectation for me to complete something for them ‘asap’. this made performing for the first time really devalued. like sure, i worked hard to create the event but why? what was the purpose of this? it was never to bring anyone together, it was never to showcase anything but the organizers themselves and the lack of good promotion means the likelihood of selling something at a venue not known for after hours shows and not joining our marketing is pretty low. 

i am 27 years old now. i have no fucking desire to put on shitty teen shows that are half assed thrown together with a bunch of my friends. thats not what this is about for me - it lacks a certain amount of organization and class. it lacks a curation in performers. i thought i might be the worst one - and that’d be okay. they cant all be winners. but now it’s just open mic - and if i really wanted to perform at a open mic, i’d go to a real one. if i’m going to do a large amount of the work - outside of meeting with the owner one time and putting up 5 flyers on street poles - i want the results to be worth the work i put in. and IMO it’s not. it’s mediocre and thrown together. 

and i feel a personal insult about this because of how much work i put intothe group itself. ive dedicated time on a semi regular basis to all the admin work, the promotion, keeping social media active, posting new submissions, fielding a majority of the questions and i’m not asking for praise - i’m asking for people to respect the work i’ve done. don’t come in and draw on it with magic marker and tell me its acceptable quality when theres folks painting in oils. i dedicated time to create an entity that could be used and harnessed; i ask for the quality of our output to match whats already there. 

and i think it’s asinine that i would hve to argue doing better than average. if this is just a hobby or random activity for you - fine. it’s not serious. you’re not serious. none of this matters. but it was presented as serious. it was presented as a showcase of people’s craft. there is no effort into making it somewhere one would wnt to be. we’re all going for the ~decor. we print posters because we want to see our name on a poster in the street - not becuse we’re really advertising an event. it was acceptable that the only people in attendance would be the performers and a few of their friends. acceptable!! that’s an unsuccessful house party, in my opinion. 

you know whats missing  locally? proper use of social media to network between people. it’s impossible to find other artists in the area unless you scour through obscure hashtags. but yet theres dozens and dozens if not hundreds of artists in the local area. this means you get stuck in one influence and within that influence you may be chastised for going against the “norm” of their influence. instead of new ideas being welcomed, they’re constantly turned down or argued against. 

i’ve met all of the people i know through facebook and instagram in my art world. thats a very powerful tool.i know models who only book through instagram. and ive had arguements about the use of hashtags. as if theyre not relevant. 

i’m tired of questioning what i know. tht honestly gives me the most anxiety. and its not like im tired of questioning what i do - its healthy to question your actions - but what i know and believe makes me feel unsure of myself and the skills i have. i have had experience working in the creative industries since i was 17, freelancing. and i have a wide variety of skills in graphic design, retouching photos, photography of models & landscapes & products, glamour modeling & product modeling (of which i’ve done for dozens of photographers in the local area), web design & blogging + knowlege of e-commerce platforms, wordpress, seo, promotion & marketing both online & offline, i’ve sold crafts online for almost four years and switched my primary creative tool from artisan crafts to trditional & figure art that i studied & practiced extensively for over two years, i have skills in copywriting & journalism, i have a handle on the basic laws of creative works & how they can be used, basic knowledge in building & selling a brand, communicating with clients & customers (of which i’ve had no complaints in regards to my communication - ive had complaints about shipping because post offices are not so nice), creating organized file systems which can be used by multiple people -- i have paid my dues. i am still growing, absolutely. i am not the best at any of the above things i listed. i could be even better. i could spend two hours today on one of these skills and be better than i am right now. i can always be better.

but just because i can be better doesnt take away from what i know now, what i have learned, what i have studied - like i took the time to study and read up on research and marketing & promotion techniques. a good portion of my first shop was spent reading about how to sell stuff, not so much making stuff to sell. as i did not realize at the time how much work went into being successful online. and i did not realize until my shop closed how i had taken that skill for granted - because i had done all that work & effort, it was able to pull in a few sales a month with little to no effort now. if i worked harder, maybe i couldve been even better. 

i also (un)willingly have worked full time as an artist and only an artist for at least two years. this is the “luxury” ive been allowed in  life even though i am the definition of starving artist. i didnt have it as a part time job or hobby - it was something i did every single day and i marketed & promoted for hours a day. an acquaintance of mine upon hearing of my mental state now told me that i had gone so hard for so long - and i kind of appreciated that he saw that on the outside. that someone could see that i actully did work incredibly hard. that i was dedicated.. that i AM dedicated. 

i’m not saying any of this makes me better thn anyone else or knowing more - it just means i’m experienced. i am very very experienced in not only practicing a craft but marketing that craft to sell, displaying that craft in it’s best light, knowing the best places to sell. i also work in quality over quantity. i am not interested in doing 9  - 10 shows a year. i’m not interested in shitting out  5 - 7 paintings at a time. it means before i touch anything to paper or canvas or wood - i’ve thought about it. i’ve really, really thought about it. i didnt just sit down and throw paint on the canvas. i couldve been thinking of this image for days before i do it. or the craft itself - my bone jewelry came because i absolutely neded to make a necklace out of fish bones i found and they needed vials attached. why? i dont know. but it just needed to be. 

when i started the group, i asked about names. i didnt choose a name or dictate the name. i was given a suggestion by someone i actually dont like at all and was given a reson for why he felt it was a good suggestion and i agreed because business-wise it was a good suggestion. i respected that he hd different ideas and experiences that shaped that suggestion that i did not have. i learned through it that i should expand my reach - both in my personal creative life and my ‘business’ creative life. 

my ~partner was disappointed i wasn’t going to perform. i could tell it was frustrating and dissappointing to him because i think he thought it wouldve been good for me and that i would hopefully find something in it that would bring me something. and through his disappointment he told me that it wasn’t totally right to drop out of something you planned to do or that peopl expected you to be at.

but i’d like to turn that around - my partner is someone who also puts himself out for others on a regular basis. and for a long, long, long time he was fucked around and fucked over by many people. an old friend came to his door and asked to borrow money and he allowed him to despite knowing he might be a drug addict now. he had no obligation to this person but it was like since he was asked, he should. and i think if he lerned to say no, or learned to walk away from an unhealthy situation, he would be happier as well. i’ve learned first hand the benefit of walking away from something toxic. and you will feel misplaced guilt for a bit, i feel some guilt now but it’s for the best. 

i try to think how i can change my perspective on it but i cannot. i wold not walk down the street if this was held in the local gallery, nevermind 20km away. like once i took myself out as a performer i realized i wouldnt even want to go. i dont want to see anyone perform but my partner; who will already be subdued because of the venue. ive been completely taken out of the organization of the event - despite having been continually involved in the promotion and a few conversations since the lst one where i said i didnt want to keep doing this. so ive deleted my advertisement efforts online andi’m just halting any further promotion on my part of this event. i’m 97% sure i’m personally not even going to go. i no longer ant to see half of the people there on a personal level so it’s not even worth going to to hang out and i dont care about displaying my art.